Red Flag Stories Pt. 3featured

If you suspect your partner may be a narcissist, you may be experiencing some confusion as you try like hell to reconcile your partner’s actions and words. You’ll find that a narcissist will expend a great deal of energy trying to gain your trust and admiration, and then turn around and punish you for not reading their minds. I can recall shaking and crying from pure confusion on many occasions.

You can count on a narcissist to be extremely loving and attentive with one breath, and angry and aloof with the next. A narcissist partner will want you to be a mind reader, and if you ever achieve the impossible and become the perfect mind reading partner, the narcissist will be infuriated with you for doing that as well.

In Red Flag Stories Pt. 1, I mention “Lovebombing”, a well known term in the narcissistic abuse victim community. Essentially, a narcissist will try to gain your love and trust by giving you loads of intensive, positive attention. This is meant to be leverage that will work in the narcissist partner’s favor, and they do their best to gain your trust and affection as fast as possible. They need you to fall for them quickly, before you realize who they really are. Lovebombing happened to be my ex’s specialty. He was very quick to pick out that I was particularly susceptible to kindness and affection. He also picked up rather quickly, that I was very skeptical of attention from men. So kudos to that creep for putting in the extra effort to convince me that he was a loving, kind, and giving man.

Valentine’s Day 2015 was my first foray into the dark side of a narcissistic relationship. The ex did a side job on holidays delivering flowers for a florist next to the coffee shop we frequented. For fun we decided to dress up for V-Day and deliver the flowers together. He got us reservations at one of my favorite country restaraunts that was hosting a dueling pianos show for the holiday. He bought me a beautiful bouquet and picked me up to go deliver flowers. We a had fun day full of sweet moments. Some of the recipients of the flowers we delivered commented on how nice we looked together. One customer even asked, “Are you a husband and wife team?” and the ex responded with a sweet, “Soon, very soon and I can’t wait for the day.” and more of that off putting, intense eye contact. From 10 am to about 9 pm, I was the recipient of some very forceful and excessive Lovebombing. But I was just enjoying the most romantic V-Day I’d ever experienced, clueless about ulterior motives and the anger that would come later.

I wish I could say that I remember every detail of this next part, but as it was 5 years ago and we had had some drinks, I really only remember the very sad parts. The parts that put me on high alert and taught me what to keep a constant eye out for in the following 5 years. I call what happened next, “his switch flip”.

While having drinks at our favorite bar waiting for our 8 pm reservation, his friend calls and basically asks if he and his girlfriend can piggyback on our dinner reservations. (see Red Flags Pt. 2 – His main friend group is 10 years younger than he is) I was a little disappointed but I had such a nice day with him, I didn’t let it bother me. Except this particular friend’s girlfriend was not what one might call a nice person. She had this perpetually acrid expression on her face, judgy (even though the girl had nothing to get on a high horse about), and even the ex said she was hard to get along with but everybody makes an effort for his buddy.

We get to the restaurant and meet up with our guests. The crowd there is already a bit drunk and having fun interacting with the dueling piano players. I notice the ex has already had enough to drink that he’s over excited. He’s being loud, he’s dragging his friend up to the dance floor and dancing with him (as a joke, of course). There’s women there dancing with each other in front of the whole restaurant, the floor in front of the stage had become a congregation of those who’d had more to drink than most everyone else. People are cheering on his funny behavior, and I am laughing along. Because even though he doesn’t look well to me in the moment, he’s evidently having a good time and I am happy for him. My ex is stealing the show with his own overblown behavior. Later in the show, the dueling piano players want to honor the veterans and active duty military in the crowd. Myself and the ex’s friend encourage him to go up to the stage with the other veterans. He pretends to not want to go stand with the others but ends up literally strutting to the stage with his beer in hand. He sways, almost exaggeratedly, as he stands there during the National Anthem. And I am wondering why he would want to get to this point, and why his friend had encouraged him to keep drinking instead of helping him dial it back. The National Anthem concludes and the crowd gives a round of applause to the veterans standing on the stage. The ex saunters back to me, unsteady, pale faced, and I can see irritation in his eyes.

He hadn’t eaten. In fact, since we’d been at the restaurant, he’d hardly sat down at all. He was up entertaining.

“Let’s go.” he says, flatly. Confused, I ask, “Why? Is everything ok?”. He stumbles while grabbing my purse and shoving it at me. He says to his friend, “We’re going, man”. Hugs between him and his friend and friend’s girlfriend are exchanged and the next thing I know, we’re out the door and in his car. He peels out of the parking lot and onto the boulevard. Luckily his place was just a mile or so down that same road. But I still felt terror as he sped along, jerking every so often as he floored the gas pedal. Pulling up to the house unharmed felt like a victory and I didn’t know it then, but I would come to know this feeling often. Gratitude for making it home alive from a car ride with him.

I cannot remember every single thing that was said. But I do remember sobbing, yelling. His skin pale, so cold and clammy. I remember begging him to eat something, to please drink water. Him vehemently refusing. I remember him demanding, “Why weren’t you dancing with EVERYBODY else?! You just sat there and looked miserable! You need to show me you’re having fun!” I remember explaining to him that out of a packed, huge country restaurant, only about 7 people were up near the stage dancing, mostly drunk people who don’t know that the dueling pianos are supposed to be the show, one of the ladies had to be escorted out. That I was having fun, I had been smiling and laughing along with everyone else. I tried explaining that getting completely wasted is not how I have fun because I don’t like getting sick and then waking up with a hang over. I remember him taking immediate offense to that. I remember him going outside to the back porch and retching his guts up. I remember him passing out on the couch and me shaking in the bed, wondering what the fuck just happened. I remember feeling sick enough to vomit, even though I hadn’t had very much to drink.

The next morning when I needed to go back to pick up Ryleigh from my parent’s home, the ex started crying. He was so sorry. He was holding onto me, sobbing into my neck. He shouldn’t have acted that way. He was so mad at himself for yelling at me. He didn’t want me to break up with him, but he knows he deserves it. He just hopes that I’ll remember the good in him. He’s so sorry. But he just didn’t know if I was having fun or not, I and I really did look miserable. And it would really be nice if I gave some sort of indication in the future that I am enjoying myself.

Yes, I was shocked that his apology had turned into a lesson in how to make sure he’s happy and validated all the time. But, I was still largely clueless as to what any of this behavior meant. I thought, I can be bitchy, maybe I did look miserable. And he did put so much effort into making sure I had a nice Valentine’s Day, I really should go out of my way to validate his feelings. It wasn’t until years later that I learned how to really reflect and evaluate things.

Looking back, did he really put in a great deal of effort to give me a great V-Day? I mean, he had already made a commitment to work for the florist that day. He asked if I would come along with him and I agreed. Which is just me accommodating his own plan for the day. Then he asked me what restaurant I’d want to go to for dinner and if a reservation would be needed. I gave him the details and confirmed a reservation would be required. I even provided the number to the restaurant. Yes, he bought me a bouquet, but he really didn’t have to go out of his way for that one at all. He was already there and he received a nice discount. I remember feeling so special to him that day, but now when I look back I see the situation clearly. He has always been so fantastic at finessing circumstances to his benefit, but making it look like he’s done so much. Then flipping his switch and becoming livid when he perceives that he’s not properly admired.

Everyday life with felt like him getting me (and often times, others) to do things for him, and then him finding reasons to become angry with me so that he could distract me from seeing what was really going on.

Switch flipping is one of the first things I called him out for once I finally found my voice in our marriage. I became adept at feeling out when it was about to happen. But shit like this is not something you, me, or anybody else should get used to. Run from it. Staying with someone like this is not a badge of honor. It is not a point of pride. You will not be canonized a saint. You will not be admired for your grace. It will only lead to your poor health, unhappiness, and having to relearn what normal really is.

Again my friend, you are worthy of more.

If you have experienced “a switch flip” from your narcissist or alcoholic partner, leave a comment below. I’d love to hear from you!