Red Flag Stories – Pt. 2featured

Before I dive into another tale of Things I Wish I Wouldn’t Have Put Up With, let me first lay out a quick list for you in my Red Flag Stories, part 2. These are things I wish I would’ve seen as the problems they are:

• His main friend group is 10 years younger than him and/or his friendships revolve mostly around superficial/macho conversation and substance abuse.

• Conversations with him devolve into long, loud tirades about how “cool” or “simple” or “down to earth” he is. (more on this later in a later post)

• He goes out of his way to do tons of work at a friends house, but he lives in a dump that he does not take care of.

• He says things out of the blue that you weren’t thinking but since he brought it up, you are definitely thinking now. (for example, the ex said to me while we were cuddling on the couch, “I love you so much, you’re not just some conquest for me, so I don’t want you thinking that” while squeezing my hand and staring intensely into my eyes. I wasn’t thinking that I was a conquest, but after that I certainly was.)

• He is aggressively playful with his own and other people’s pets. I’ve never seen someone play with a dog the way my ex played with a dog. It made me uncomfortable. He would bite the dog’s face, let it lick the inside of his mouth, push it on the ground, he’d rile up the dogs as much as possible. Not just his own, but other people’s dogs as well.

• He speaks loudly about sociopolitical topics in public and does his absolute best to try and say something offensive. For example we were in Target one day, I had to use the restroom. Ex makes a show of following me, I say as playfully as possible (despite me knowing he’s about to cause a scene, I’m hoping my playful tone will keep him calm and not get angry later) “Stop it *feigned grin*, you know you can’t come in. I’ll be fast. *gentle touch on the arm* To which he yells, “Yes I CAN come in, I identify as woman today and as we all know Target allows any man to use their women’s restroom if they identify as a woman! I’m a woman today, nobody can tell me I’m not!” Followed by a loud, forceful slap on my ass. The more people that looked in our direction, the happier he became. This is just one of MANY times he’s done something similar in public.

• I cannot stress enough how important this one is. He truly believes himself to be a victim of bad luck. No matter what happens, he’s getting the short end of the stick. The world is always shitting on him. He just can’t catch a break. When he starts in with these phrases, stand the fuck by, because he’s about to act out in a real shitty way and he’s going to blame his fucked up behavior on the stress of “never being able to come out on top for once”. Run, sis.

I knew in my gut that this behavior was all wrong. And certainly in the beginning I believed that I could’ve been judging too harshly. I did not want to pass up the possibility to be in a happy relationship just because I thought he was a little over-the-top. As I’ve said in my previous post about red flags and I’ll very likely say in subsequent posts, I should’ve listened to my gut. I was deeply uncomfortable nearly every time I stepped out with this guy and it never got better. In fact, his behavior became more brazen AND the outbursts happened more frequently. I found myself using the phrases like: “Oh, he’s just so opposite of me and you know how opposites attract!” and “Yeah, it is definitely an adventure being with someone who is so different from me, but he is teaching me to be more bold too.” I was spoon feeding myself bullshit. A thin, weak salve to soothe a giant festering burn.

If you find yourself looking at your partner and seeing similar behaviors, do yourself a favor and leave, friend. As hard as it may seem, as hard as it may feel, just love yourself enough to get out. You deserve more.