Red Flag Stories – Pt. 1featured
I first learned about covert narcissism in 2018 when I was trying to figure out what the hell was going on in my marriage. My new husband had been subjecting me to dramatic sudden mood shifts, three week long silent treatments, and a form of manipulation I came to learn was termed gaslighting. I had re-entered therapy on my own because I had really internalized the idea that I was the problem. That I was unreasonable, not loving or caring enough, not tidy enough, not earning enough money, not fun enough. When I look back on the inception of our relationship, the big red flags are all there. They are all bright, fire engine red and the size of school buses, billowing in the wind with big giant white letters reading, “TOLD YOU SO!!!”
I did not date or have a single casual encounter with a man for three years following the divorce from my first husband. My friends would make jokes about how I needed to get laid at least. And often added comments about how I should seriously start dating and having fun. One Saturday at Barnes & Noble with my daughter, I saw one of the dads from her school. He came right up to me and started a brief chat. The following week he asked me to coffee while we were at morning drop off at the kids’ school. I agreed despite the feeling in my gut that I didn’t really want to have coffee with him. A feeling that he was a little bit pushy. He was really friendly and popular with many of the other parents on our PTA so I convinced myself having a coffee was just something to do.
During coffee, he asked the normal get to know you questions. The conversation alone was fairly innocuous, just friendly enough. Except for the intense staring and smiling. Everything I did made him smile. No matter how small of a joke I made, he laughed as though it was the funniest thing he’d heard in a week. When we spoke about how we both handled single parenting, he looked at me in absolute wonder and praised my “amazingly brave outlook”. He went so far as to rest his chin on his fists, full body facing directly at my body. If he’d pushed his eyes in my direction any more, they’d come right out of his head. All of these things should have been cute. If there had been any real chemistry between us, perhaps this behavior would’ve been romantic. Except, none of it felt right, at all. I was uncomfortable and, although I lacked proof, something about his behavior felt rehearsed. This is was the first phase of “Love Bombing”.
If these flags alone were not big and red enough, here are a few things he actually said during our first coffee date:
*So you have a clearer picture, I’ll add that his voice was constantly elevated, as though he was actively trying to be the loudest element in the room*
“My kids don’t like being with my ex-wife, she’s so sour. Every time we have drop-off, they always ask me if they can stay with me. They cry every time.”
“She [ex-wife] cleaned our whole house till it was spotless, packed all of her belongings, and was gone with the kids when I came home from a weekend trip. She accused me of cheating on her all the time. Oh, it was so fuckin’ stupid”
“People from the school send their kids to me when they don’t know how to discipline them. I have them do yardwork, and if they get an attitude with me I have them do push ups or wall sits.”
“Oh, you don’t know what I do? *an offended look on his face because even though this is my first actual conversation with this guy, I didn’t somehow find out through the grapevine what he does for a career* I work for the Sheriff’s Department.” *Leans back in the chair and, I shit you not, slightly but noticeably flexes his upper arms and pecs*
“You want more kids?” I explain that I am just focused on being the best mom I can be for my daughter and that I don’t really have the time or available set of circumstances to consider the possibility. To which he responds, “I’ve thought about reversing my vasectomy for the right person.” Cool, Bro.
“I’m on Match and I am going to keep my profile for now, but I really want to have coffee with you again.” He said this as I was politely wrapping up our visit. Like, WTF?
I relayed everything to a few of my close friends and family who were anxiously awaiting a play-by-play of my first coffee date in three years. I didn’t share every detail of our conversation but tried to sum up his behaviors to them. About the loud voice, the intense eye contact, his over-eagerness to laugh at my mediocre jokes. I told them that even though he was really nice and clearly into me I just wasn’t feeling it with him. I didn’t have the words to in my vocabulary to explain the off feeling I had about him. I assume this is why my concerns likely sounded innocent to my loved ones’ ears. I received essentially the same response from the few people I had confided in. They each asked me to consider that maybe because I had not been interested in dating, that I was not used to someone showing me that they liked me. Because, by all accounts, his behavior was of someone earnestly trying to get to know another person and show an interest in them.
For most of my life, I have been told that I can come off as snobby and a little cold. Especially toward men. So, I had to stop and ask myself if I was uncomfortable because of him, or if I was just not used to the feeling of allowing someone to show an interest in me. This is where I made a second critical error. Doubting myself and my intuition, again.
If you ever find yourself the object of someone’s attention and you feel “off” or something is telling you that something is not quite right with this person, that’s your gut. Listen to that bitch, she knows what she’s talking about. But, most importantly, if you find yourself in a set of circumstances in which you doubt yourself at all, do not allow those circumstances to continue. Cut it off. Right there, right then. No excuses, because you don’t need an excuse to say no to something that makes you doubt yourself. I can tell you now, with all certainty, that if it makes you doubt yourself in the beginning, you’ll be doubting yourself everyday thereafter. And that shit is no good, there is no happiness to be found there.
My Friend, if you are reading this and you are in a similar situation as above, love yourself enough to make a quiet and polite exit. If I could go back in time, I would have declined his offer to go to coffee. Because despite his friendly smiles and enamored body language, I still felt some underlying pressure to see him again. Like there would be some social repercussion at my daughter’s school if I did not accept his next request for coffee. And every day, every damn day of our relationship, I felt the pressure of his demands and my own self doubt.
Love yourself my friend, as I am learning how to do once again.
