Leaving a Narcissist – An Introductionfeatured

Hi Friends! In this series, we’ll talk about the changes that happen as you leave a narcissistic romantic partner. Unfortunately, it’s not until you leave that you realize what you’ve actually been putting up with. Our nervous system and childhood programming play a huge role in how we handle abuse as the abuse occurs. A clear picture of the bad shit may not be evident to you until you’ve stepped away from the situation.

Some of you may have left at the first sign of emotional, mental, physical, or financial abuse. That is awesome! Keep staying true to yourself and loving yourself! Some of us have stayed longer than we know we should have. And some of us did not have the support system (or even received counterproductive messages from our support system) to help us understand what we should tolerate. Some of us did not understand our worth and stayed because of narratives built around what relationships may require. So first, let me say this: You are intelligent, worthy, loveable, beautiful, and valuable. I am glad for the people who left at the first signs of danger, but its important to point out that the people who left ASAP are not better than those who stayed. And vice versa.

As I write this, I am sitting at my friend’s kitchen nook table. My daughter and I are staying with her until I can get all my belongings put into storage and the divorce papers served. At which point we are moving out of state. I have been here for just a few days and the distance from the ex has really emphasized what I have endured in his presence. I can see now that nearly 6 years of my life has been lived in a heightened state of alertness (anxiety), mind fog (depression), and thousands of tiny cuts on the bottom of my feet from all the eggshells I’ve been walking on. I had not planned to tell him I wanted a divorce, I wanted to just pack my things and leave. Have him served after I left. But he had guessed (shocker!) and asked me if I was planning to leave. Even though I knew the truth was going to cause problems, I confirmed his suspicions and told him I wanted a divorce.

He immediately canvassed the spectrum of narc behavior in a matter of five minutes. Acting as though the divorce was his idea. Then to understanding. Next, telling me (with a chuckle) neither one of us should EVER be married because “we’re both so bad at it”. Then trying to kiss me. Then him crying. Then telling me, “I know it’s hard but it just is what it is.” Then trying to have sex with me. Then demanding to know when I’ll be out of the house. Then saying there’s no rush because we’re going to do this amicably. Wanting to know if I’m going to keep his last name because it would “honor” him if I did. At the end, he had decided on friendly acceptance and I let my guard down thinking he would just let it lie. In my mind, I thought the prospect of being single again would help him maintain a friendly, amicable nature during the filing process. We drove together to the consultation with the divorce lawyer and had a pleasant appointment. I could sense the freedom and I started to believe I was going to get through this divorce easily, unscathed.

I was supposed to stay at our home while I packed and began the divorce proceedings, however, he switched his flip the day before we were supposed to see our lawyer to file the paperwork. No impetus, no indication of why or what upset him. He shut down, and though I was disappointed, I was not surprised. He did not show up for our next appointment with the lawyer. Who then could not move forward with the case, as she could not represent just one of us because she had previously consulted both of us.

Two days later when he had two of his buddies over to drink themselves blind, he performed a loud, emotional tirade replete with lies about how I am trying to make the divorce difficult. He lamented that I was not moving out quick enough, that I had turned my daughter against him, that I never cleaned, I never contributed money to our household expenses. It was the usual narc-rant, filled with falsified content designed to make him appear to be the world’s biggest martyr. In his mind he was a victim. He needed his friends to believe that he had taken in a stray bi-racial single mom. Fed, clothed, and housed her. Taught her daughter “everything she knows” (his exact words). He needed his friends to believe that in 6 years I had done nothing to show my gratitude for his grand benevolence.

I could’ve walked out there and confronted him. Showed his friends our billing statements with only my card info on them. Could’ve screamed and cried at him that I was the ONLY person that cleaned that house. That I didn’t have to turn my daughter against him, because he did it himself by ignoring her. I could’ve loudly reminded him that I couldn’t move out any faster because I had only myself as the man power, as I couldn’t afford to hire a moving company.

But my 6 miserable, nightmarish years with this guy taught me a very important truth. Confronting a narcissist does not make any difference. There is no progress to be had. Narcissists only allow what truth serves them best, and they will be the ones to decide what that truth is. Which often means they will be creating an alternate reality that they feed to themselves and others.

Most importantly though, who cares what a narc thinks of you? They don’t really think of you, anyway. Not in any meaningful way, at least. You do not have to prove yourself to them. Deep down, they know their shortcomings, they know where and how they’ve failed. That is why they lie in the first place. To cover the fallout of their bad behavior. The beginning of freedom starts with you deciding that you do not wish to take part in the lies they tell themselves and others. Decide that you will no longer be an entertainer in their alternate reality. You are, after all, your own person. You live in the real world and have your own hopes, wishes, and desires. You have your own life to live and you have the right to live it peacefully.

Although I had decided to divorce him long before saying the words to him, that night while listening to him bloviate lies about me to his friends, I had decided to leave his presence for good. Returning to the house only while he is gone at work to pack my things. I’ll never again allow him in my presence, and for the first time in years I feel REAL freedom.

I am not suggesting making heedless decisions about your life or the lives of your children, if you have them. What I am saying is, do not waste time thinking about the “what ifs” of removing the second asshole that attached itself to you. If you want to leave, decide to leave. If you’re worried what your family, friends, or colleagues will say, STOP. It’s not their lives you’re living, it’s yours! The other people in our lives will never truly know what we’ve been through with a narc spouse, and it is important to accept that. We do not have to prove to them that we deserve to leave an abusive partner. More people in my life showed encouragement once I finally put my foot down and said, “I’m leaving right the hell now. I refuse to subject myself or my child to this any longer.” All of a sudden I had everyone’s attention and their support.

It all starts with you and your big heart. Channel all that love, drive, and effort you’ve been putting into holding your relationship together and direct it toward your own life. Think about the “what ifs” that matter. Like, what if you and your children could walk around your house without worrying about when your spouse will be home and what mood they’ll be in? What if you could accept social invitations from friends without worrying about your partner giving you the silent treatment for an indefinite period of time? What if you could voice your opinions about the news, friends, or anything without being shut down or punished somehow by the narc? What if you could lay right in the middle of your bed at night and never have to share pillows?? 🙂

I have more to share with you, friends. And I would love to hear what you have to say. If you feel so inclined, please leave a comment down below! As always, love yourself!